John Gray’s book ‘Men are from Mars, Women from Venus’ (published in 1992) is a book about improving the husband-wife relationship. So it is as relavant today as it was at the time of its published. In the word of John Gray himself this book “reveals new strategies for reducing tension in relationships and creating more love by first recognizing in great detail how men and women are different”. The difference between the two genders is not limited to only to a few areas; they are poles apart in the way they react to various situations, how they feel, think , perceive, respond, love and appreciate things. The difference is so wide that men and women seem creatures from two different planets as the title of the book itself suggests – ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’.
While going through the book I jotted down some major highlights of the bok wherein lies the essence of resolving the misunderstanding between men and women. At one place Gray writes, “Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate and respond the way women do.” But the fact is that there is a world of difference.
Gray has elaborated these differences in detail through his book. He begins it with a chapter giving us an overview of the concept of difference between men and women and also leading us to the detailed discussion that ensues. The book consists of thirteen chapters with chapters two to thirteen discussing one particular aspect each. In the second chapter he has discussed the tendency of women to become the ‘home-improvement committee’. She offers unsolicited advice and criticism; while on the other hand men try to reshape women’s feelings when they are upset. They offer solutions disregarding her feelings.
The second major difference between men and women is discussed in chapter three entitled ‘Men go to their caves and Women talk’, that is, men prefer to stay withdrawn in times of stress while women are more emotionally involved and talk openly about their problems.
The fourth chapter brings to light the fact that men need to feel that they are needed if they are to be motivated and women are at their best when they feel cherished.
Then in the next chapter Gray interprets for us the different language used by women and men. They may use same words but mean something that is entirely different. For instance, when a man is asked, “What’s the matter?” he will reply in something very brief like “It’s nothing” or “I am OK”. To put it into other words, instead of saying “I’m upset and I need some time to be alone”, they just become quiet.
In the next chapter, talking about relationships Gray describes ‘men as rubber bands’- how they pull away when women get close. If it was men being compared to rubber band in the next chapter it is the turn of the women to be likened to the waves – the rising and falling of a woman’s self-esteem is just like the movement of the wave - low at one moment and rising up at the other..
In the eighth chapter, ‘Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs’ the writer enlists different requirements of love or the types of love needed by men and women. He gives the following list:
Women need to receive: Reassurance, Understanding, Caring, Respect, Devotion and Validation.
Men need to receive: Trust, Acceptance, Appreciation, Admiration, Approval and Encouragement.
Next Gray gives tips on ‘How to avoid Arguments’, he gives four F’s to avoid arguments – Fight, Flight, Fake and Fold. Fight is the basic characteristic of the Martians (men). When their partner gives up they feel they have won indeed they lose at that time. Flight is also their characteristic they retire to their caves to avoid confrontations. Fake is the stance of the Venus. In order to pretend that there’s no problem a woman fakes a smile. Fold is also Venusian feature. Instead of arguing they give in.
Then it is about scoring points with the opposite sex. Gray enlists one hundred and one points on how to score with a woman. In chapter eleven, Gray elaborates on the methods of communicating difficult feeling. He discusses different types of letter writing. Chapter twelve entitled ‘How to Ask for Support and Get it’ stresses on the use of correct wording. The last chapter, ‘Keeping the Magic of Love Alive’ mentions the 90/10 principle in which ninety percent consists of past experiences and the rest of the ten percent the effect it has upon us. Gray is of the view that we need to cut down the 90 percent to keep magic of love alive.
Talking of the book in general it is overall a good reading. While reading the reader tries to relate himself to the behaviour described in the book whether he is a man or a woman. The book is a step towards improving the life of relationships and keep them ticking all through one’s life.
While going through the book I jotted down some major highlights of the bok wherein lies the essence of resolving the misunderstanding between men and women. At one place Gray writes, “Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate and respond the way women do.” But the fact is that there is a world of difference.
Gray has elaborated these differences in detail through his book. He begins it with a chapter giving us an overview of the concept of difference between men and women and also leading us to the detailed discussion that ensues. The book consists of thirteen chapters with chapters two to thirteen discussing one particular aspect each. In the second chapter he has discussed the tendency of women to become the ‘home-improvement committee’. She offers unsolicited advice and criticism; while on the other hand men try to reshape women’s feelings when they are upset. They offer solutions disregarding her feelings.
The second major difference between men and women is discussed in chapter three entitled ‘Men go to their caves and Women talk’, that is, men prefer to stay withdrawn in times of stress while women are more emotionally involved and talk openly about their problems.
The fourth chapter brings to light the fact that men need to feel that they are needed if they are to be motivated and women are at their best when they feel cherished.
Then in the next chapter Gray interprets for us the different language used by women and men. They may use same words but mean something that is entirely different. For instance, when a man is asked, “What’s the matter?” he will reply in something very brief like “It’s nothing” or “I am OK”. To put it into other words, instead of saying “I’m upset and I need some time to be alone”, they just become quiet.
In the next chapter, talking about relationships Gray describes ‘men as rubber bands’- how they pull away when women get close. If it was men being compared to rubber band in the next chapter it is the turn of the women to be likened to the waves – the rising and falling of a woman’s self-esteem is just like the movement of the wave - low at one moment and rising up at the other..
In the eighth chapter, ‘Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs’ the writer enlists different requirements of love or the types of love needed by men and women. He gives the following list:
Women need to receive: Reassurance, Understanding, Caring, Respect, Devotion and Validation.
Men need to receive: Trust, Acceptance, Appreciation, Admiration, Approval and Encouragement.
Next Gray gives tips on ‘How to avoid Arguments’, he gives four F’s to avoid arguments – Fight, Flight, Fake and Fold. Fight is the basic characteristic of the Martians (men). When their partner gives up they feel they have won indeed they lose at that time. Flight is also their characteristic they retire to their caves to avoid confrontations. Fake is the stance of the Venus. In order to pretend that there’s no problem a woman fakes a smile. Fold is also Venusian feature. Instead of arguing they give in.
Then it is about scoring points with the opposite sex. Gray enlists one hundred and one points on how to score with a woman. In chapter eleven, Gray elaborates on the methods of communicating difficult feeling. He discusses different types of letter writing. Chapter twelve entitled ‘How to Ask for Support and Get it’ stresses on the use of correct wording. The last chapter, ‘Keeping the Magic of Love Alive’ mentions the 90/10 principle in which ninety percent consists of past experiences and the rest of the ten percent the effect it has upon us. Gray is of the view that we need to cut down the 90 percent to keep magic of love alive.
Talking of the book in general it is overall a good reading. While reading the reader tries to relate himself to the behaviour described in the book whether he is a man or a woman. The book is a step towards improving the life of relationships and keep them ticking all through one’s life.
1 comment:
I fully appreciate your review of the book.All said and done,the difference of opinion will remain between men an women.Even basic nature is different.
"Man gets and forgets,
woman gives and forgives."
Thanks for sharing your valuable views.
Good luck.
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